The Truth Is It Hurts Even If We Ask For It

Kaffee: I want the truth!
Col. Jessup: (shouts) You can't handle the truth!
(A Few Good Men, 1992)

Man I loved that movie so much I saw it four times while it was in the theatre. Plus with Jack, Tom, Keifer, Kevin and Demi it had a fantastic cast of charaters to boot! Beyond being one of the last solid flicks Tom ever made, the movie makes my all time favorite list for succinct dialogue that's just bang on. While Jack Nicholson's character delivered some hard hitting lines nothing could more explicitly truthful as those five single words.

When was the last time you told the truth? Better still, when was the last time you heard the truth? The simple truth is most of us don't like what we hear when we get it. In fact, as Jack said, many of us couldn't handle the truth even when we ask for it. Not too long ago a friend asked me if I had anyone with whom I could be totally, completely, unequivocally honest and who would also in return share their brutally honest opinion when solicited. Before sloughing him off with my usual quick, "Of course," response, I paused. Now before Marilyn goes right off the deep end, days before coming to stay with us for three weeks, this isn't about family but more about friends. Even if we are talking about family, let's be honest, we all try to spare each others feelings. At least from time to time we try, or some of us do anyway, that basically means that sometimes we check total honesty at the door in favour of validating the other persons feelings or simply lending a listening ear. That out of the way, I'll get back to my original point. So in response to my pals question, all I came up with was a half truth as I referenced a couple of my close gal pals with whom I know I've been brutally truthful because I've been told and in return they've graciously bestowed their no-holds-barred colour commentary.

Getting the truth really is a gift but most of don't see it that way. While no one wants to exist in a world of perpetual sunshine it's way easier to dole out half-truths and small lies than it is to dish the goods when you know that it won't be what the person wants to hear. I'm not sure who we are sparing more, ourselves or the other person because in some cases we end up doing a grave disservice to both. In fact, because we're probably sugar coating at least some of what we're selling, we have become accustomed to the sweetness rather than the reality that sometimes, life and those in it, can be a little bitter sweet...and that's okay. When you think about it, if we were really used to getting the truth from our family, friends and co-workers we'd probably all be much better off or at the very least, have developed a much thicker skin. Either way, we would likely be much better equipped to handle and return those harder hits. I've never been one to mince words and I've always much rather preferred the straight truth--hurting and all--because at least I know who I'm dealing with. But I found out pretty quickly that's not always the best way to go across the board. That's not to say we should all go around blowing sunshine when we're asked how we really feel but it doesn't hurt to temper your response. In fact, sometimes it's more about how you package the truth that cuts the blow of the message you're delievering.

Reality is, social interactions just aren't that simple. Unless you want to alienate your entire network of friends you have to know when and how to dish our the real deal or at least that's how it is with women. Guys I'm told are a different story. Basing their male bonds on the grounds of brutal truth, honesty and integrity, or so they say, I seriously doubt that's always the case. Going back to my friend who asked me about the truth found in my friendships I was surprised to discover that a single army of one could be called upon for a dose of a no b.s. reality check. Guess when it comes down to it, truth is not everyone really wants it.

Comfortably Secure

Early on I realized that pretty well nothing was guarunteed. Life owed you nothing so much so that you could never really be sure what exactly was around the corner. Before I go off on an unintended philisophical tanget here, I'll cut to the chase: you can only do so much to control what life ultimately has in store for you. Generally speaking, while most of us will agree that life can be unpredictable, many of us don't seem to feel the same about what they do for a living. It's a strange sense of security when your livelihood is one part of your life therefore also subject to said unpredictability. In fact, there are those who would argue their jobs are so secure they'd bet their life on it. While there's no doubt that an uncontested sense of security must be a nice cozy feeling, akin to wrapping yourself in your childhood blankie, I'm not buying what their selling.

Once you've had the rug swiped out from under you it's tough to feel a sense of security, no matter how glowing your quarterly review. While some may get the sense I'm focusing on the negative, I'm choose to to consider the simple reality that everyone is replaceable. We're not talking about the rare and highly irreplaceable quantumn-mechanics-physicists-types but (sorry to burst your bubble) you, me and the majority of this planet really are about as replaceable as that Starbucks cup that's currently lining your wastebasket. Okay, so perhaps that's a little harsh I'll admit, but my point is that no one should feel they're above being replaced by the next guy in line. Frankly, knowing there's a guy waiting should keep you on your toes and even give you that little boost of fear that ultimately keeps you at the top of your game. After all, just because you can be replaced, doesn't mean you have to be.

Even if we hadn't been entrenched in knee-deep recession mode this past year, organzations are forever searching for ways to maximize their resources. From nixing office expenses to axing staff, cutting costs has always been the key focus. But while your desk could easily make do without a stapler, you're probably not so comfortable with giving up your desk not to mention your cubicle. The unfortunate reality is that in true here-one-day-gone-tomorrow fashion, your job can become a thing of the past. It's a sad reality that doesn't make being jobless any easier and I can say this because I lived it. But that also doesn't mean you have to live in perpetual fear with an empty box stashed beneath your desk, it does mean you should be aware of your surroundings and it doesn't hurt to even be a little prepared. Conducting an job search may be on the backburner while you're employed but you should always have enough fire to fuel your dreams. While you'll never know how you'll respond if you do happen to lose your slot on the nine-to-five circut having a cloud to land on will make it a little easier. I'm not talking about padding your Swiss bank account, that would be nice but that's probably not a reality for any of us. Instead it's not a bad idea to gather some concept of what you would do if you had to start over again. New beginnings are never easy but they do offer a fresh start and if you spin it right it could be the best thing that's ever happened. While it's easy to get comfortably entrenched in our lives, it's only when life gives us a shake that we really find out what we're made of. Ultimately, when you look back on where you've been, how you survived and how much farther you can go, well, that's exactly where you'll find you are without question or doubt the most secure.

Detailed Observations

When I walked into the room he looked familiar but there always is someone in a room of strangers who I think I know from somewhere so I don't really give it much pause for thought. Sitting in front of him, I'm staring at his reflection in the television thinking he looked like an older version of a kid I grew up with but figuring that was impossible. In any case, after hearing his first name I knew it had to be him and I gave an interanl laugh because it was a lifetime ago and I was sure he was clueless.

Lots of friends, including my husband, think I'm lying whenever I hearken back to my early childhood. Quite possibly it seems inconceivable that I could remember an exactly moment in time when I was, say, about six years old, dressed as Ms. Clause rocking in a chair as the curtain rose on my grade one play--The Sulky Brownines. For years I thought everyone carried around these snapshots in their minds. Who doesn't remember their grade one play? But then I started recognizing the strange look from friends (or worse aquaintances) whenever I'd reference exactly how I felt as an eight year old kid. More recently Steve's flat out mocking (complete with eyes rolling into the back of his head) when I'd recount the details of the first day I stood on an ice rink in a pair of skates--at the time I was three. It's true, I have a strange, quirky and wildly weird ability to recall the most painstaking details from my life. It doesn't happen all the time, it's actually quite random which makes it all the more odd--even to me. While I've long since realized this and since Steve accepted that I'm a quack, I hadn't given much recent thought to this quirkiness--until last week.

I'd never really considered what sort of random knowledge I had about the lives of anyone else beyond myself and those closest to me. But I've had this happen before--maybe you have too. Situations where you walk into a restaurant or onto a subway car and recognize someone. Most of the time I'm not certain they'd know me, so I keep my distance. Instead I usually wonder if they realize that we have a sort of mild to moderate connection, that our lives intersected at one time or if they even think I'm familiar. Sometimes I may even call to mind a few details that reminded me of why I knew them. But this time, for some reason, I decide to confirm it was actually the guy I sort of knew. As luck would have it, the person I'm confirming this with happens to think it is very cool that we're from the same city and went to the same elementary school. Admittedly, it does kind of make me laugh since I grew up in a city of 80 000the chances you'd run into someone from your home town, never mind your elementary school, in downtown Toronto are pretty much nil. Having said that I agree to let her introduce us because maybe he'd think it was kind of cool too. As I said, when you're from a small city it's always fun to find other kids who grew up where you did. But who expects to hear you went to the same elementary school as someone? When I told him where I recognized him from he was stunned because let's be honest, at 30-something, you're probably not getting many random people making that way back connection.

But even when I gave him my last name, it was pretty clear that dude had no clue as to who I was--and I can't even pretend that I'm surprised. After all that, I thought I'd give this guy (who totally didn't know me) an even further reason to think I'm a little bit stalker. So there I am, telling him specifically on which street he grew up in our neighborhood (just down from Ron Francis' parents) tossing in the fact that his dad was a cop but somehow stopping before I blurted out that he was the first police officer I remember meeting because he visited out kindergarten classroom just after Easter--um, see what I mean? As you can probably imagine, at this point he is clearly spooked, freaked and a little wigged out. Frankly, who could blame him? Had I tripped any further down memory lane with him I'm sure he may have even wondered if we'd ever dated. After all, how else would I know that he was once a school crossing guard? Quite honestly, it appeared I had more memories of his childhood than he did. Was I a stalker who crushed on this guy? Negative--as were my feelings of him as a child. Truthfully, I never really liked the loud mouthed boy who never seemed at a loss for annoying jokes or stupid teasing behaviour--both the result of being the youngest of four boys. In fact, as I sat in church every Sunday, I couldn't help but wonder how this guy could carry the cross down the aisle without shooting the priest a wise remark. But then I just figured that the church service was all part of his penance for poor behaviour.

Long before I knew what people watching was I had always enjoyed the daily interactions of others. In part, I'd always felt like everyone else was having a much more exciting life and even if they weren't I was fueling my imagination with the lives they might one day lead. Whether I was paying attention to a conversation between my parents or watching a crew of older children play basketball as a kid I was always pretty observant. As I learned, when you're one of the quite ones it's easy to go virtually unnoticed which means you're privy to much more than most would realize. Most of us were probably playing with carefree abandon rather than making mental notes of random details from the lives of kids they barely knew. Now I realize it all makes me seem like a pretty strange, reclusive kid so I'm not even going to try and tell you that wasn't the case. It's funny what we remember and even more curious why we do--or maybe that's just me. While I haven't any productive use the knowledge about my former schoolmate's life our encounter makes me realize that my curiosity about our lives began a long time ago--before I even noticed I was watching.

Beyond Dollars It Just Makes Sense

Not long after landing my first job working for the YMCA of Greater Toronto I realized that making a difference in the lives of others was just as important as earning a decent living. While it sounds a bit cliche it's it's true, salary has never determined whether or not I'd take a job. That being said, there's no doubt that money matters but if you're not doing something to give a little back it may not matter as much as you think. That's not to say you have to dedicate your nine-to-five life to a charitable organization, we all know there are many more ways to enrich the lives of others not to mention your own. The simple fact is that with a less than stable economy most of us are finding it tough to keep our own lives together which leaves a little less for everyone else. But here's the thing, making a difference isn't necessarily about writing a hefty cheque. While no organization will turn down a lump sum, fundraisers seemed to have found that creating excitement, energy and buzz around a cause, is a solid way to secure long term support.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple change of perspective to make a difference in how you operate. Fortunately, fundraising types every where are doing just that. In an effort to keep the dollars rolling in despite an uncooperative economy charities coming up with innovative strategies to raise awareness. Anyone not hear of Movemeber? Whether you're conscious of it or not you're probably calling the eleventh month of the year by its quirky yet catchy new name. From your family to your Facebook friends more than likely someone you know has grown his own 'stash in an effort to raise a little cash for prostate cancer research. It's just one example of a brilliant buzz generating idea that has created quite a stir around a very critical men's health cause. By establishing a quirky hook fundraisers are simultaneously generating conversation and raising awareness that goes a long way to fueling the fundraising goals. It's a smart move, one that will no doubt have long lasting effects on an organization's ability to sustain themselves through the ever changing wave of an individual's donating desires.

Whatsmore, even if you're not directly affected by the cause, discovering a crazy new fundraising initiative may be all it takes to inspire you to get involved. Case in point, the 5th Annual Santa Speedo Run--a mere 3K jaunt through Toronto's trendy Yorkville where all the runners sport Speedos no matter how low the temperature goes. Friends of ours have been avid runners in this racing spectacle where all the money generated supports the Toys and Games fund at Sick Children's Hospital. And when you're passed by a hord of runners in Speedos on any day, not to mention a Saturday in mid-December, you're definitely raising more than just money for a good cause. Truth be told, it's a little easier to rally around health causes. What happens with a worthy cause that most of us don't understand? Sometimes it helps if you can put people in someone else's shoes--even if only for a few hours. Last week, we did just that when we sat down for Dinner with Dolores--an event that supported the Out of the Cold program at University Settlement. While attendees dined on the standard chicken dinner served up at most charity events we also lined up as if we were clients of this weekend shelter. With staff fielding our questions we were guided through what it might be like if we happened to frequent this weekend shelter service. Needless to say, such an event makes for an eye-opening conversation topic for some who are used to simply writing a cheque.

With a range of charities appealing to a host of causes it's tough to believe someone wouldn't be inspired to offer a little support to just one. But maybe it's just a matter of time before the fundraising shift officially takes hold. Certainly by changing the focus on charitable fundraising organizations are going well beyond dollars and cents to create a whole new level of awareness. As a supporter of health charities and local organizations, I've always maintained that spreading the message was the driving force that would fuel any organization beyond its fundraising goals. Just like discovering my dream job, finding a way to give back isn't so much about the money but more about generating a little of my own buzzing energy all for a good cause.

Kitchen Unplugged

After my mini rant over the prevalence of deep fryers, including the Actifry, check it out if you're into dousing your food with only a small amount of oil) you may be wondering if there are any kitchen appliances I could do better without. But before we get to that, it's worth mentioning that all the deep fryer commentary stemmed from a friend's recent purchase of the Actifry. In fact, not one but two friends now own one of these machines that claims pleasure and health can go together--really--and if you wanna deep fry strips of meat why not? As I'm mentally slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand, I'm also in possession of a few kitchen duds myself. So here's what makes my top five for non-essential kitchen appliances.

Ice Cream Maker Although I could live forever on multiple varieties of frozen desserts I haven't found the time to make my own. Add in that I've also spent a summer slugging it out at Baskin Robbins and please, please stop the nightmare before it starts. Still, the Krupps machine was a very thoughtful wedding gift (complete with the William Sonoma Ice Cream Book) from a very dear friend, so perhaps when Taylor is old enough to take part, I'll be putting it to good use. Yes, more than three years later, it's still in the box--sad I know, I'm a very sad, ungrateful chump.

Cappuccino Machine Having once resided in our downtown condo we thought owning a machine meant we'd leisurely peruse the Saturday edition while lingering over lattes and mochachinos. Okay, well, maybe that was just my dream, but still, it was a lovely idea. While the machine was a wedding gift and it has been used more than the ice cream maker, we'd carry on without it. Maybe because it drudged up memories of my short lived stint as a barrista, but the machine only recently reappeared in our kitchen because I couldn't bear to see it in our basement any longer--but we do have espresso available should any visitors desire a non-fat, half sweet tall vanilla latte.

Bread maker Never had one, never wanted one and thankfully never received one as a gift. Mostly because the thing takes up way too much room but largely because I think I'd end up seriously addicted to the smell (and taste) of freshly baked bread and no matter what my inner Martha may be saying, that's so not a good thing.

Slow CookerChalk this up as another never owned and probably never will own appliance. Call it what you want but I'm just not a fan of cooking your food in a vat of liquid until it falls apart virtually unrecognizable. There's no question a hearty stew is fabulous on a cold winter's day but unless you're cooking a side of moose meat there's no good reason to cook anything for eight hours or more.

Rice Cooker Probably because I don't own this I can't fully appreciate the many uses (steaming vegetables) for a rice cooker. While I admit there's a difference (much fluffier rice) you can still boil or nuke perfectly good rice without it. And if you can't--well, maybe you should consider investing in an Actifryer.

What's In Your Kitchen?

Last week I took an unofficial survey to find out who among us had a deep fryer. More importantly, I also asked whether or not they considered this heart hauling appliance to be among their must have kitchen appliances. Whether they purchased it or received it as a gift, more people than I would have ever guessed, actually own an appliance that requires you to bathe your food in oil as a cooking method. As a relatively health gal who also believes food can and should be delicious, indulgent and healthy, I'm at a loss for understanding why anyone would need such an appliance.
As I discovered, ask and you'll get your answer. According to their owners from French fries to fried fruit the uses for deep fryers are endless. Yet as crispy as fritter as you can make, I can't help but think that once the novelty wears off you're probably more likely to haul the fryer out a token half dozen times a year at best. But who am I to judge what you do in your kitchen? With that in mind, I started thinking about my own arsenal of just-can't-live-without kitchen appliances. So beyond the obvious fridge, freezer and stove, in no particular order, here;s what came to mind---


Coffee MakerAnyone who has ever lived with me knows that I'm nothing without my java jolt. While I've cut back considerably since my days of slugging back a full twelve cup pot on my own, a fresh brewed pot is still a morning staple. These days it's not a matter of any coffee maker, but rather, a Krupp's that takes coffee making to a new level. If you're not a member of the coffee brewing set (or aformer barrista:) like me, you probably don't get it, but trust me, there's a difference. Beyond the brand name caffeine boost, there's just nothing like waking up to the aroma of a freshly brewed pot. Mmm, makes me feel like I must got put on a pot now.


Coffee GrinderEven though I knew that fresh was better, as a starving student,a $4 tin of Maxwell House was a kitchen mainstay simply because it was all I could afford. Don't ask me why but for a while I even bought my Starbucks beans pre-ground. But as I said, fresh is always better, so when I received my first grinder for Christmas thanks to Steve, there was no looking back. For the amount we drink (and the endless coffee grounds I'm left sweeping off the counter)a coffee maker and grinder combination probably would make the most sense but then again, you're limited to using the machine only for coffee. What am I talking about? Unless you cheap out, as I did recently, most coffee grinders can also be used for your spices. Fresh cinnamon, cardamon or pepper anyone? Another reason why fresh is always better.

Electric WokSure you can stir fry in a pan on your stove but it's really not the same. Even if you're idea of Asian cuisine calls for adding chicken to a bag of frozen vegetables a wok cooks everything evenly without exception. As I've discovered, an electric wok is also the ideal summer appliance because there really are only so many ways you can grill up chicken, fish, beef or pork. Once you've got your slicing and dicing together, because you're cooking on high heat, you've got your meal in mere minutes. And even if you're not a fan of Chinese food, a wok also makes fast work of fajitas too.

Blender/Hand BlenderFrom protein smoothies to sauces to baby food, if you eat, you've got reason enough to own a blender. That being said, if you're not one for dish washing, a hand blender cuts down on cleaning and works just as well. In many cases, when you're simultaneously cooking and blending having the hand held version on hand makes your job much smoother. And whether you're whipping up frozen margaritas or spiked hot chocolates your blender is your home bartenders best friend. In short, when it comes to mixing it up, it's much better to avoid the lumps.

Standing MixerWhile I've curbed my baking habits significantly, once the jiggle bells ring in the holiday season, I'm all about whipping up several batches of traditional Christmas cookies. Although hand mixing the dough does make for a great upper body workout, even I'm not that psychotic so I'd much rather have my Kitchen-Aid do the work for me. Besides the fact that I don't feel the need to whip up everything by hand, using a standing mixer means you can have one dough mixing while you're rolling and cutting out another. Basically, it's an assembly line operation and if Kitchen-Aid comes out with a machine that will assemble the cookies for me, I may even consider adding it to my list too.

Now that I've shared what's in my kitchen, I'm curious to find out what you've got in yours. So in no particular order what are your top five appliance?

All In How You Focus

Whenever I'm asked about my life now that I'm a mom, it's usually from friends who have recently become new moms themselves. On more than one occasion, I’ve felt their penetrating stares as there long to hear what I can only assume would be angles singing the praises of becoming a part of this choir. Perhaps their looking for reassurance that having a kid was really a great idea, but let’s be honest, I’m not the person they should be asking. Ten months of being a mom has not suddenly turned me into someone who’s going to hold your hand and how should I know if it was a good decision for you anyway? In their voices, there is a distinct an array of mixed of emotions, often vacillating from exuberant joy to down and out despair, as each one tries to make sense of their child while settling into their new role as a parent. From their tried, listless expressions to their wonderment over when their child will sleep through the night, I'm surprised not by what I'm hearing but more by what I'm not. Being a mom isn’t perfect—it’s definitely an all over the map trip—but how you choose to remember it is really all up to you.

For every mom out there being a parent can be a very different story or at least you would think that would be the case. Listening to the dramatic sequence of events from friends the recurring themes make me feel as though I'm talking to the exact same person. It’s not that I can’t empathize, as a primary caregiver you are the go-to person for the kid and that can be tough to handle. After all how many times have you even thought when all else fails, “Mom will make it better.” But now that you're mom, suddenly those words don't seem as cuddly as your childhood blankie. While you were once wrapped in the comfort of someone else's arms, now you’ve got a whole human being on your hands. What to do?

With most experiences, it’s not so much about what life throws your way, but more about how you choose to deal with it. But really, what do you do when you feel like you’ve made a big mistake? While I’d love to say chill out—seriously, it can only go up from here—I value my life and don’t want to be taken down by anyone. Friends or not, I’ve come to admit that some new moms can be a breed of their own. Frankly, I haven’t been willing to press my luck with any of them and I’m hard pressed to understand where their warm wishes for their little one have vanished. So I’ve been racking my brain over the past couple of weeks, trying to figure out what the difference has been between them and me. While my husband will tell you that I should face the fact that we landed the kid who is the exception to every rule, I’m not convinced. Because I’m the one with her most of the time, truth be told, she’s had her moments that would send most screaming from the room. Although I didn’t have days on end where she cried without reprieve to say she never shed a tear for weeks at a time would be totally bogus too.

Overall, when I think back to the first few months of Taylor's life I kind of laugh because I really can feel those blink of an eye moments zipping past, gone before I know it. Fleeting moments have come, gone and by the end of an evening are often long forgotten. From her wide toothless grins to her shrill piercing cries she’s experiments with a range of emotions that will leave you wondering the answers to these unsolved mini-mysteries. Admittedly, if you’re a mom, such emotional outbursts without any language to explain what's really going on can become more than a little unnerving. Whenever I started to feel radically annoyed at the fact that my kid had no words, I knew it was time to take a few steps back Often, by late afternoon, I’d long since forgotten whatever minor situation (that felt major at the time) had occurred, which regularly results in Steve hearing a near perfect recount of my day. While some may say my choosing to gloss over the bumps in the road is wrong, at some point I'd say you have to know when you’ve had enough. While I’m not suggesting you abandon your child, I would suggest you ditch your negative vantage point in favor of a better view. For me, there's no point in getting lost in the details of the downside when that's really not what counts. Instead I'd rather zoom in on all things on the upswing just to be sure I haven't missed a beat. Just like taking a great photo, it’s all about focus and perspective and you need a bit of both if your ever going to get a killer shot that creates your memory.